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| hatred to disappointment to apathy to ...? | | |
| it's bad when you're around the same friends too often and you eventually grow sick of them because you notice all these things that you hate about them. you knowwwww. yeah. | | |
| what is the most important thing in my life?
i struggle to answer that question and it scares me that i have to think about it. and then think some more. while some (maybe most) people may find that a hard question to answer because of an overabundance of important things in their life, it's hard for me personally because i have a lack of things.
here is a list of things that could potentially qualify for this list (and why they might not), in no particular order, really.
school/job
someone told me that they thought that i was a slacker and it was kind of a slap in the face for me because i never really thought of myself as one. i tend to procrastinate a lot but i always, always get my work done on time and i figured, if i can get it done in the end, what does it matter? but i guess the manner in which i work (or don't work) lends itself to a slacker, which is understandable. but i do care about school and jobs ... i just care about relationships more. i think one of the most important things to learn from college is being able to balance that and for so long, i've had such difficulty trying to balance that because i had such instability in knowing what relationships mattered. i think that as time has gone on, the relationships that matter have revealed themselves to me, allowing me to focus more on school, though this "revealing" could not have come without me spending more time with other people. HOW CONFUSING, ha ha ha.
the relationship
it's been almost a year. wow. i guess if i someone put a gun to my head and made me choose one most important thing, it would be this. but like with anything on this list, it's hard to say. the fact that it's been almost a year is slowly dawning on me and with it comes the realization that i need to grow so much more if i want to try to make this work. and there are those few times (usually when we fight) where i don't know if i want to make that sacrifice, or if i want to go in that particular direction and it scares the living crap out of me. because how do you just generate that motivation out of nothing? well, i guess it's not nothing because if you do it, you do it out of love and because you feel the other person is worth it. but again, it makes me realize how much deeper and all-encompassing kind of a love i need to have. six months, one year, two years ... these chronological milestones shouldn't be some kind of "we did it and nobody believed that we'd come this far! yeahhhhh!" kind of thing but a celebration of what's been shared over time and (hopefully) what's still to come. the extreme polarity in my thoughts sometimes ("i couldn't be surer this relationship is right for me" vs. "what am i doing in this relationship?"), especially lately, is what ultimately scares me the most. i don't know.
relationships
very important. probably would have been the answer to this entry before i started dating, though i still tried really hard to upkeep this one at the expense of other stuff on this list. like i said in previous entries (or maybe i didn't write about it, i don't remember) i'm accepting that it gets harder to maintain constant communication with people as you get older but that it doesn't diminish the value of the relationship. i took kind of a .. tell myself that over and over again even if i don't believe it and think/act that way in my mind until i really believe do believe it in my heart kind of approach to dealing with it and i think i can honestly say that i do believe it. but this also gives me leeway to rationalize and convince myself that because i haven't talked to a certain person in a while, that it's just attributed to this whole less is more kind of thing and that i shouldn't worry too much. which is bad. i don't know.
god/church/religion in general
so, my last entry was about how i was coming to the conclusion that i needed god in my life. and this still very much holds true. i can't stress how much i've learned that EVERYTHING IS SO TEMPORARY AND FRIGGIN SUPERFICIAL (sometimes) but i'm finding it hard to progress beyond this stage to a point where i can say with confidence that i am a strong christian that actively takes steps to improve my own and possibly others' faith. that's something else. i have the opposite problem that i used to have in high school and the early years of college where i would be very good at practicing my faith on my own but completely fall apart when it came to engaging in conversations about it and debating its validity with other people. now, it seems the only time when i show my christian side is when someone has something bad (or good) to say about it. so, to me, this whole thing is very important to me (at times), but needs to be more important (at other times, or all the time), if that makes sense.
everything else in my life
just by the sheer volume of "everything else in my life" there is, it takes up a significant chunk of my life. and yet, it feels not very important to me. does that make sense? like, timewise and effortwise, i put a lot of me into it but in my heart, it's just not that important to me, or at least, not as important as other things on this list. watching tv, playing sports, eating good food, keeping up with acquaintances, keeping up with/downloading music, taking naps that inevitably turn into mini-hibernation sessions, you get the idea. and because i suck at multi-tasking, these things usually end up cutting into the quality of the other things on this list. i guess the logical conclusion is to just eliminate these things from my life so i can more put more of me into what i feel is really important but there is still some joy to be had from enjoying these things and the fact that i keep doing it must mean that i do enjoy doing them. i guess not everything has to hit me deeper emotionally to be qualified as still sort of important in my life. i don't know. ha ha.
yeahhhh, i don't know. i need to figure this out. making this list did not do much for me. ha ha ha.
oh. and no more drinking, coooool. | | |
| let me start off with a rather bold statement: i think i need God in my life. i feel really really really uncomfortable saying this, or rather, writing this down, because... it's kind of a scary thing to say if you think about it. like, i don't think i fully know the magnitude of what i'm saying but at the same time, it's something i just need to get off my chest.
i know when people utter these kinds of words, others tend to expect a great outward change in their personality to reflect the changes that had to have occurred inside to allow a person to say such a thing. but i don't know, to be honest, i don't FEEL that much different nor do i think i'd be acting tremendously differently than i currently do now. the main ways through which i see change manifesting in my life is ... in my way of thinking and dealing with situations, for now at least? i guess that would lead to me being a little different but for now, i think it's just simply a conclusion that's dawned on me as of late and ... i'll just leave it at that.
i don't know, i don't have anyone in particular to really talk to about this unfortunately at the moment and i just feel the need to vent it to someone, anyone, even if it is a blank internet canvas. not for evangelical motivations or that sort, but it's just like ... GAHHHHHH, CATHARSIS! and who knows, honestly, maybe i may end up eating these words and look like a complete and utter fool but at least for now ........... i think i need God in my life.
i think everyone comes to their own respective conclusions about religion through their own experiences and there's only so much someone else can do to convince or persuade a person to accept christianity (or any other religion). like, there are issues in life that people can convince you about such as what sport to play in high school, whether you should buy that dress, or other matters of that sort. but when it comes to more substantial things, like choosing who you be friends with, whether or not to be in a relationship, and religious issues -- anyone that's tried to convince someone out of or into these things knows how difficult, or darn near impossible it is. so what then? life experiences. experiences so profound that they shake the very foundations of how a person sees themselves and others, something that hits the emotional and mental core of a person.
often times, unfortunately, these moments are sad and it's in the sadness that people realize insights that they would otherwise never had thought of. not necessarily because the moments are so profound in of themselves (though they can be), but the moments break us and put us in a vulnerable position where we're open to experiencing things in a different way, seeing things in a different way, etc. HMMM maybe i should stop using the pronoun "we" and use "i". hahaha. okay, mental note of that from here on out.
but yeah, personally. this summer so far, has made me realize how ephemeral things are. okay i've officially spent way too much time on this entry. i'm a terrible multi-tasker. so i'll just wrap things up here and elaborate more later.
- people and relationships come and go. i don't have that many close friends.
- being happy and having fun ARE NOT THE SAME.
- we want truth and honesty but often aren't really ready for it when it comes.
- i want others to feel what i feel but not in some overly officious, here i am imposing my beliefs on you sort of way.
- i still have a lot of ehhh-worthy issues with christianity.
- but God is good.
- i'm still the same person? sort of? hahahah.
this entry is really weird. i think i may delete it soon. hahaha. | | |
| i don't know when to give things up, this is a problem of mine.
when i commit to a relationship (i mean this in respects to significant others and friends alike) and i feel that it's important to me, i really throw myself into it. by nature, my personality leads me to try to form relationships with people where we're both in contact consistently and often. the downside to this as i'm quickly realizing is that most people want relationships that don't require as much involvement but still want me to trust that the commitment level is not any less. needless to say, this is hard for me and it wouldn't be an understatement to say that it's required me to make fundamental changes in the way i view people and life.
it's a bit selfish and naive of me to think that some of my closest friends don't also have other people that they are extremely close with and that i can't necessarily assume i'll be able to have them on call whenever i want. i realize this and really, there is no other choice but for me to simply accept it because the last thing i want is for forced and awkward interactions though sometimes that's what it feels like, even in the few moments that we share. maybe i'm over-analyzing things, i could be. it's difficult to completely shake the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind.
but yeah, now things are different. in a single moment, i feel like a lot of things have changed. and whereas it may have been hard before for me to change my old notions about relationships to a more realistic one, i think it's going to be incredibly, incredibly hard now. beacuse i actually thought i finally managed to let myself believe in something and it turned out that it wasn't the case. and i guess i'll just have to accept that.
hello xanga, these are my most brutally honest, to the point of being embarrassing, thoughts and emtions of the moment.
time to go work out and release them endorphins!
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